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And that’s when I knew …

Last July I sat in Mass, studying those around me.  Listening to the scripture was something I found hard to do at first, not because of the words but how I was hearing them.  The words ran into each other.  I struggled to find the answers that I needed and to hear the message I was hoping would appear.  Aren’t we supposed to listen to The Word and find the message you’re meant to hear that day?

The months prior to this had me questioning the actions and choices I’ve made in my life.  To me, some things made perfect sense and well, other situations just seemed unfair.  I try my hardest to not react to situations beyond my control.  Every now and then it is not so easy.

You might recall that week in your life where every waking minute seems to feel like you’ve gotten up on the wrong side of the bed.  You ask God, ‘Why me?’ ‘What did I do to deserve this?’ You’re shocked to not get a response, but then the overwhelming feeling passes and you can breath again.

…Until that feeling comes back.  I felt, at the time, the solution was simple, remove all outside influences.  Can you really live out your life alone though?  Is there a way to let others in without them marking you?  I’ve learned that for me, it doesn’t seem possible.  Everyone close to me, who has problems, I feel like they are my problems to.  Even if I can’t do anything about it, it still eats away at me.  Deep breathing helps.  Sitting in the pew, those extra moments after Mass has ended and everyone clears out, also helps.

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On that day, in July, for the first time in my life, I felt at peace. Complete peace. When Mass had ended, I had decided after a long prayer and conversation, that I was going to give God my problems and in return I would do whatever it was He wanted.  I didn’t realize how quickly He would call me on it.  Walking out of the Sanctuary I was approached by the nun in charge, Mother Blessed Sacrament, and she asked me if I would be interested in helping out with the Church’s Youth Group.  I stole a glance down the main aisle of the Sanctuary, down to the large cross that hung over the alter, turned back to her and replied yes.  And that’s when I knew God would keep me at my word, and I at His. 

Since that day, I continue to help out with Youth Group, I read Scripture for Sunday Mass, I help chaperone the Church’s Youth trips, and I might be teaching CCD this fall.  What I didn’t know on that day in July is how much I would love every single minute of it!  I feel at home and that helps with all the little things that come my way.  Today the Word nourishes my soul.  I hold on to that feeling every single day.  And that’s how I know everything will be all right…in due time!

There’s a saying I’ve heard on a number of occasions that I find rings true, “Let go, Let God!”  Today, if you have something that is weighing you down, and you’re not sure how to even begin to approach it, let it go, give it to God and have faith that it will all work out.

Until then,

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In the Blink of an Eye…

I stared at him from the top of the porch stairs.
 I blinked back tears. 
Neither of us moved, we had said so many things, so many angry things, too much to take back. The scene of earlier was etched into my mind.  It replayed over and over again like a broken record.  
A clean break.  That’s what I needed.  That’s what I wanted.  It made sense.  Right?  I gave him back his ring.  But he didn’t take it.  He left it behind before he walked out the door.  I couldn’t follow him.
Chained to my bed with the weight of the loss of him.  My tears slid into the ocean that had been my pillow.  What have I done?  If you love someone, set them free and if its meant to be they’ll come back to you.  Unicorns and fairy tales.  
But. There. He. Is. His eyes were intent upon me, not even a blink. 
 I blinked back tears.
I felt the ring making its mark on my palm.  He stood in the pouring rain, drenched from head to toe, and it wasn’t getting me soaked that stopped me from stepping off the porch, it was pride.  
But I had been lying to myself for months, denying him my love, to feel loved, and to hear the words. So much time has passed.  
But now, staring at him, only four feet away, I felt that the words were now on the tip of my tongue, longing to be said.  
I blinked back tears. 
A rush of emotion flowed through me as I ran to him, into his arms, and I looked into his eyes, and finally found the courage to say it, “I love you, I have since the first day that we met, its like, I’ve searched for you my entire life and here you are,  and I was afraid if I embraced that feeling, that you’d leave, and take my heart with you.  I gave it to you once and I never got it back.’ 
He stared back, and without saying a word, I leaned forward and kissed him.  There in that moment nothing else existed, just me, him, and the rain.  But his arms were firmly pushing me away, his eyes were large and sad. 
I blinked faster.
His lips moved but I heard no sound.  Am I ok?, he’s asking.  Seeing someone else?  Am I hearing this right? But we’re meant to be? 
My face was wet from the rain but I blinked back my tears anyways.  
If you love someone, set them free and if its meant to be they’ll come back to you.

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